


He Is Dead, I Am Alive

by CasIsMyPie



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Depression, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, I need a beta, Other
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-05-03
Updated: 2017-12-04
Packaged: 2018-01-21 18:29:24
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 9,295
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1559909
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CasIsMyPie/pseuds/CasIsMyPie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>"We are alive, Siha.... And when we are not, I will meet you across the sea."</i>
</p><p> </p><p>....</p><p>Ch 1 - "She wouldn't talk to you, either." Liara's words weren't a question, but Garrus shook his head anyway. Liara sighed, her eyes dropping and her shoulders sagging. She suddenly felt very old. "She woke up looking for Thane."</p><p>"Oh, Keelah," Tali gasped. "She's like this because she thought she would die. She wanted to."</p><p>....</p><p>Ch 7 - The hero of the goddamned universe took away the one thing that made it bearable, and she needed to know. He needed her to know. He need anyone to know.</p><p>.... </p><p>Ch 8 - "Don't, Shepard," he said firmly, a small smile gracing his face. His eyes remained dull. "Don't you dare pretend its all okay."</p><p>...</p><p>In which Shepard survives the destruction of the Reapers and wishes she hadn't. She's a broken shell of what she used to be, can her friends put her back together? Only time will tell.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is based on a female Shepard with the romance line of Thane Krios.
> 
> And on Shepard surviving the destruction of all tech and reaper destruction. 
> 
> Note that: Garrus and Shepard are besties, as are Liara and Shepard. Tali and Shepard are friends, but my shep (Arcadia, AKA, Cadi... And yes, like mean girls its pronounced like Katie) and Tali are more so casual friends. I hardcore ship Garrus and Tali, so there will be no Shakarian here..

Liara sat next to Shepard's bed, reading from the book of Robert Frost poems that Shepard had bought for her when they had first been together on the Normandy SR1. "He's always been my favorite poet," she had said. "I hope you can get as much pleasure from his words as I have over the years." Liara smiled remembering the way Shepard had dropped her eyes and began shifting from foot to foot. It was the first time she had ever seen the Great Commander Shepard show any type of nervousness.

As she continued reading from the book a tear escaped her eye. She may never see Shepard move again. She had been in a coma since they had found her in the rubble on Earth after she had destroyed the Reapers. At least, everyone assumed she had, as she had not yet awaken to tell the tale.

Liara shook her head, turning the page from Asking For Roses and moving on to Nothing Gold Can Stay. She began reading the short poem, her voice taking on a cadence so that she barely recognized it as her own. Her heart broke as she read the words aloud, but her voice never faltered...

 _Nature's first green is gold,_  
 _Her hardest hue to hold._  
 _Her early leaf's a flower;_  
 _But only so an hour._  
 _Then leaf subsides to leaf,_  
 _So Eden sank to grief,_  
 _So dawn goes down today  
_ _Nothing gold can stay._

Liara wiped a hand over her eyes, trying to stem the flow of tears that fell upon the pages of the book she held. "He's right, Shepard," she whispered to the still form of her best friend. "Nothing gold can stay..."

She moved to kiss Shepard's temple, brushing her short hair from her forehead. Liara jumped when she heard a groan. She pulled back, eyes wide, as Shepard made another noise, her head shifting and her eyelids fluttering. "Shepard!" Liara exclaimed, the Frost book falling from her hands, forgotten. "Shepard, can you hear me?"

"Thane..."

Liara's heart sunk. "No, Shepard. It's Liara."

Shepard opened her eyes, slowly, squinting around until she found Liara's face. "Liara? What are you doing here?"

"I've been here every day, Shepard. I never left," Liara said through her tears. Her hand found Shepard's. "I'm here."

"Why?" Shepard whispered. Then her eyes got wide. "I'm not dead."

Liara sighed, a small smile on her lips. "No, Shepard. You're alive. We're at Heurta Memorial. You've been in a coma. Try to relax, you haven't moved in some time, and your wounds are still not fully healed."

Shepard closed her eyes. "Then Thane..."

Liara's smile faltered. "Thane is gone, Shepard. I'm sorry."

Shepard opened her eyes, focusing on Liara... and then she began to cry.

~~~~~~~~~~

"Harlow, let me go! I need to see her!"

"Garrus, I'm not letting you go," Harlow said calmly, still holding Garrus's arms behind his back as he struggled to get free. "I told you, she doesn't want to see anyone."

"I don't care! I'm going in there!" Garrus renewed his struggle against the C-sec officer, determined to get in to see Shepard. He had to. She was his best friend, she was awake, and he wasn't taking no for an answer.

"Garrus, calm down," Tali said from somewhere beside him. He was too focused on the door to Shepard's room to pinpoint her location. "If she doesn't want to see us, then we can't force her."

"I'm going," he growled.

Garrus twisted in Harlow's hold, managing to get one arm free enough to elbow the officer in the gut, causing him to lose his hold and double over. Garrus ran forward, entering Shepard's room and securing the door before anyone could stop him.

What he saw had his mandibles on the floor.

Shepard was awake. It seemed that was the only improvement though. Her skin was paler then normal, her eyes sunken. There were tubes going into her arms, presumably to feed her as, from what Liara had told him, she had refused to eat. Her hair was matted and her lips were dry and flakey. Apparently she refused to drink as well. But that wasn't the worst part.

When he entered the room she had turned her gaze to him, and he could feel his heart breaking for her. Her eyes, her lovely emerald eyes, usually so full of laughter and determination, were terrifyingly blank and dull... as if she really were dead.

"Shepard..."

She turned from him without a word, her focus going back to the window. She didn't say a word, didn't even acknowledge his existence other then that brief, lifeless glance.

"Shepard, I'm so glad you're okay. Do you have any idea how worried I've been?"

No response.

He moved toward her, his voice shaking as he spoke. "Look at me, Shepard. Talk to me."

Nothing.

"Please..." he begged.

Lifeless eyes continued to stare out the window, never really focusing on anything. Garrus could feel his throat tightening as his heart was shattered in his chest. This wasn't Shepard. This was not his best friend. This was a cheap imitation, and nothing more. She looked like one of those undead creatures in the zombie movies she had loved so much. It hit him with more force then he expected, making him take a step back... Shepard was gone.

He didn't hear the doors open behind him. He only knew they had when Tali's hand found his own.

"She's... gone," he whispered, choking on the last word. He took a shaky breath. "Her eyes..." His voice was barely more then a whisper.

He heard a small sob come from Tali, and turned to embrace her, to comfort her, but his eyes never left what was a shell of his best friend.

~~~~~~~~~~

"She wouldn't talk to you, either." Liara's words weren't a question, but Garrus shook his head anyway. Liara sighed, her eyes dropping and her shoulders sagging. She suddenly felt very old. "She woke up looking for Thane."

"Oh, Keelah," Tali gasped. "She's like this because she thought she would die. She wanted to."

Liara nodded, unable to look at her friends, but she felt the truth in Tali's words. She let out a defeated sigh. "Yes, I thought that as well."

"How long as she been like this?" Garrus asked, his voice quieter then usual.

"Since she woke up, pretty much," Liara told him, still unable to meet his eyes. "She asked for Thane, and when I told her he was gone, she cried. That only lasted for a few minutes." She took a deep breath, trying to calm herself. "Then... this. It was like she lost the will to live. She even lost the will to grieve." Liara shook her head and began to pace. "I should have known something was wrong. I should have prevented this. When Thane died, she didn't cry, didn't mourn. I never realized it was because she had already sentenced herself to death. But I should have known. Damn it, I should have known!"

"Liara," Tali said gently, stepping away from Garrus to grab Liara's shoulders, forcing her to stop her pacing and look at her friend. "This is not your fault."

Liara's eyes welled with tears. "She was there for me when Thessia was taken... I wasn't there for her when Thane was taken." A tear escaped, and she swiped it away angrily. "I should have been there."

Garrus spoke from behind Tali. "I was, Liara. At least, I tried to be... at first." He took a deep, ragged breath. "She just said 'be with Tali. You need to be with Tali.' So, I was. If we're going to place blame, I deserve at least some of it."

"So do I," Tali said, grabbing Garrus's hand. "She did the same with me. 'Be with Garrus.'"

Liara shook her head. "Are we terrible friends? Is this our fault?"

"I don't think so," Tali said quietly. "We were all scared. We overlooked a friend in need, but I don't think that makes us terrible. Just ignorant."

Garrus sighed. "No, we're terrible," he said quietly. "No one can take as much as she did and be okay. We should have seen it." He looked at Liara, his icy blue eyes hard. "We need to fix this."

Liara met his eyes, a look of determination on her face, despite the tears. "Yes. We do."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I need a beta. I am desperate. The only thing I ask is that you have a thorough understanding of the Mass Effect universe.
> 
>  
> 
> ~~~~~
> 
>  
> 
> Character photos for those of you who aren't familiar with the game. I'll also include their species. I'm listing them in order of appearance.
> 
>  
> 
> Liara T'soni: 
> 
> (Asari)
> 
>  
> 
> Shepard:
> 
> (Human)
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> Thane Krios:
> 
> (Drell)
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> Garrus Vakarian:
> 
> (Turian)
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> Tali'Zorah Vas Normandy:
> 
> (Quarian)
> 
>  


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My Shepard's first name is Arcadia, but people call her Cadi (Like Katie but with a D).

Opening her eyes... that was the hardest thing she had to do, and she had to do it every day. There was no choice. If she didn't, faceless people would poke at her and shake her and talk to her until she did. Eventually she would open her eyes to stark white walls and shining light, all the while knowing no beautiful shades of mossy green and aquamarine would greet her. Knowing that no depthless black eyes would look back her. Still, she did it. She managed to open her eyes... but the pain of it never lessened.

This was hell.

Saren? No problem. Just some indoctrinated psycho who needed to be taken down. Collectors? A cake walk. Mutated protheans died from her bullets just like any other creature, even the really big ones. Reapers? She'd laughed in their face, trash-talked Harbinger, and had eventually destroyed them once and for all, securing the future for all organics, giving them a chance to live and thrive, ending the cycle of destruction that had went on for gods no how long.

But waking up?

That was the hardest thing she had ever had to do.

Today, however, no one had shaken her awake. It seemed that her body had felt that she had had enough sleep, and refused to do so any longer. She awoke with unexpected alertness, the voices around her taking shape and registering in her brain despite her best efforts to again find oblivion.

"Ash, please," she heard a familiar voice murmur. It was a female voice, pleasing and reminicsent of home, yet she couldn't place it at first. "She needs us."

"I can't, Liara," the second voice choked. Another female voice, not as pleasing, but just as familiar. "I just... I can't. I don't want to see her like this."

Liara and Ashley. She knew them. She had loved them. They were some of the best friends she had ever had, yet she felt no warmth toward them now - just slight irritation. Why couldn't they leave her alone? Why had they not let her die?

"Ashley," Liara said softly, her voice brushing over Shepard's ears like silk, soft and sensual. "You've already seen her... and she needs to know we're here. No matter what."

There was a soft exhalation and then silence. Shepard waited for a few moments before opening her eyes and looking toward the source of her friends' voices, hoping they had left.

Alas, they were standing close together, near the door. The was a red circle in the center of the door, indicating it was locked. Ashley's head was bowed, a hand covering her eyes, her dark hair looking shiny and full, even pulled back into its hasty tail. Liara stood facing her, her shoulders slumped, looking utterly exhausted. Shepard had never seen bags under an asari's eyes, and wondered for half a second if she should be worried, before she dismissed the thought as unimportant. Sleep or death.. those were the only things that mattered to her now.

She tried to stay quiet as she rolled to her side, facing away from the two girls, but a cough caught her as she began to move. She hadn't realized she was thirsty. Then again, she hadn't realized much of anything since she first woke up in this bed, except that he was gone...

Liara had rushed to her side before Shepard had time to take note of her movements, a cup with a straw in her hand. She guided the straw to Shepard's lips. After taking two small sips, Shepard finished rolling over, not looking at either of the two women.

There were a few moments of blessed silence where Shepard had filled her mind with images of Thane before she heard Ashley speak again.

"Cadi?"

Shepard closed her eyes, willing sleep or death or some combination of the two to come over her. Instead, Ashley kept talking.

"Cadi, please, look at me."

It was only the choked note in Ash's voice that had Shepard look at her, out of habit more than any type of feeling. Her soft brown eyes were rimmed with red, evidence of unshed tears, and her dark skin looked washed out, almost pale. Again, Shepard couldn't seem to care... or feel anything for that matter. She just looked blankly at her friend, as was requested.

"Are you going to talk to me?"

Shepard couldn't even find the strength to shake her head. She just stared... maybe she blinked.

Ashley made a quick movement, her hand shooting up to her face as if to brush away a tear. Shepard couldn't be sure, as she didn't really care to take in details any more. She continued to look at Ashley as she took a few deep breaths, closing her eyes. When she finally opened them, she had a fake smile plastered on her face. "Well," she said quietly. "How about a haircut?"

~~~~~~~~~~

Garrus had been pacing the waiting room of Heurta Memorial for well over an hour, sure he was wearing a groove in the floor. He heard the doors to the patient's quarters open again and swung around. Again, it was just some other family that had come to visit their wounded relatives.

With a huff and a growl that would only be audible to turian ears, he made his way to one of the few remaining chairs and flopped down, resting is elbows on his knees and his face in his hands.

It had been almost two weeks since Shepard had woken up, and she still hadn't said a word. Hell, the expression on her face hadn't even changed. She still looked... well, dead. Garrus ground his teeth at the thought. A zombie - his best friend had become a zombie. The Walking Dead, the show from the early 21st century Shepard had shown him, seemed less amusing now.

He and Liara had tried everything. They had brought virtually every person that Shepard had ever known in to that room in the hopes that she would react. Cortez, Samara, Jack, Miranda, Chawkwas, Kasumi, Zaeed, Grunt, James, and now, Ashley. Spirits, even Jacob had come to see her with his new daughter, Katie. No one had gotten a reaction. He doubted Ashley was getting one either.

With a sigh he lifted his head, looking around the room. Every where he looked was someone who was hurt by this war, who was changed. He wondered how they went on, how he went on, knowing only a few rooms away the Hero of the Universe lay in shambles. He shook his head, trying to clear the tightness in his throat and stinging in his eyes when he heard the doors open again and saw Liara and Ashley exiting. He didn't need to ask what had happened to know.

"Nothing."

He hadn't said it as a question, but Liara answered him anyway. "No. We gave her a haircut and manicure, but it was like working on a mannequin."

Garrus sighed slumping deeper into his chair and rubbing a temple with one gloved finger. "What if she doesn't come back?"

Liara shrugged in a way that said 'hopeless' rather then 'giving up'. "Traynor said she would be here by tomorrow. They were close. Maybe..." Liara trailed off.

Ashley spoke up, her voice harsher then normal. "There's no maybe. We've lost her."

Garrus was out of his seat before he realized what he was doing, his fingers closing around Ashley's throat. "Do NOT say that," he growled at her, his face only an inch from hers. "She's here! She WILL come back!"

C-sec guards had started to move in, but Garrus released Ashley before they could get close enough to do anything, and Ashley waved them away. She met Garrus' eyes for a second before looking over to Liara.

"You mind if we talk alone?"

Liara lifted her hands in a "if you insist" type of gesture before moving off to talk to a group of asari on the other side of the room. Once she was out of earshot, Ashley turned to Garrus, her eyes hard.

"You love her."

Garrus scowled. "Of course I do. She's the best friend I've ever had. The only one who believed in me from the start."

Ashley's eyes were like steel. "That's not what I meant, and you know it," she said between clenched teeth. "You love her."

Garrus looked into Ashley's dark eyes - hard, menacing, and... knowing. He sighed. "What's your point, Williams?" he asked, his voice deflated.

Ashley shook her head, pursing her lips and crossing her arms. "Maybe you should have told her that before you got under the quarian's hood." She held up a hand, cutting off his rebuttal. "Things might be different now."

Before Garrus could come up with a response, Ashley had stalked off. He looked over at Liara to see if she had heard the exchange, but she just looked back at him with a raised eyebrow and a look of utter confusion. That was good news, at least.

The bad news? He couldn't help but feel that Ashley was right.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, characters in order. I'm not including the ones from the last chapter.
> 
>  
> 
> Ashley Williams:
> 
> (Human)
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> Steve Cortez:
> 
> (Human)
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> Samara:
> 
> (Asari)
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> Jack:
> 
> (Human)
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> Miranda Lawson:
> 
> (Human)
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> Kasumi:
> 
> (Human)
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> Zaeed Massani:
> 
> (Human)
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> Grunt:
> 
> (Krogan)
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> James Vega:
> 
> (Human)
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> Jacob Taylor:
> 
> (Human)
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> Samantha Traynor:
> 
> (Human)
> 
>  
> 
>  


	3. Chapter 3

_Shock ran through her body as his lips connected with hers. It took less then a second for that shock to turn into need. Not lust - need. She needed him, more than she needed air or food. She needed him - his lips, his hands, his beautiful black eyes with the deep green irises. She felt her body move against her will, molding itself against his. His hands travelled from her shoulders to her hips, pulling her tighter against him. She moaned into his lips, her hands finding the soft gills on his neck. He let out a sensual moan as her fingers trailed down the soft, pink skin._

_He pulled away, leaving her panting and grasping at him, begging him for more without speaking. He pressed his forehead to hers and chuckled softly; the sound was music to her ears._

_"Siha," he rasped, his voice deeper then usual, deepened with lust. "I can not tell if you are a gift or a punishment." His lips found her throat, making her moan as he kissed his way up to her ear. "I fear, sometimes, that you may be both," he whispered, his hot breath making her insides flutter uncontrollably. He nibbled gently on her earlobe, eliciting another desperate moan from her. He seemed to be enjoying teasing her._

_"I'm whatever you want me to be," she gasped, "as long as you don't stop kissing me."_

_She heard him chuckle again and felt a hand wrap up into her hair, tugging gently to pull her head back, giving him better access to her neck and chest. He kissed the tender skin of her neck slowly, sensually, his mouth moving far too slowly towards her breasts, his fingers running up her stomach, under her shirt...*_

~~~~~~~~~~

Shepard gasped as she awoke, the white walls seeming like an all too familiar hell. She turned to her side in an attempt to get more comfortable so she could sleep again and return to her dreams, to Thane, where she belonged.

Only instead of more white walls, icy blue eyes met hers.

"Garrus," Shepard rasped, her throat too dry to make any real sound. Garrus doubted he'd have heard her if he was human.

"Hey, Cadi," he said softly as he reached for her water, bringing the straw to her lips. He smiled when she took the cup into her own hand and drank greedily, the straw making a sucking sound as it emptied. "Do you want some more?" he asked gently.

She shook her head and handed the cup back to him, settling on to her back, her eyes on the ceiling. "Go away, Garrus."

Garrus sighed, setting the cup on the table next to Shepard's bed. "No," he said simply.

Shepard turned to him, anger in her eyes. It lasted maybe a second, but he had seen it before her face had gone blank again, her eyes returning to the ceiling.

"Shepard, please..." he practically begged.

"Joker."

Garrus went with it, just glad to hear her voice again, to see any reaction whatsoever. His voice was a little too excited as he asked, "What about Joker, Cadi?"

Dead eyes met his. There was no expression on her face. Her voice was equally dead when she spoke. "I want to see Joker."

Garrus took a deep breath to steady himself. She had spoken, and not only to answer questions. She had made a request. Her eyes may have been dead, but maybe, just maybe, she wasn't gone after all. His answer was short, to the point, and completely true. "Done." He would drag the pilot there by his hair if he had to.

As he stood, he thought to himself... please let this work. Spirits... let this help her.

~~~~~~~~~~

"Why would she want to see me?"

Joker sat surrounded by his friends and former colleagues, his head spinning. Every one of them had tried to talk to Shepard and had no success... until now. On top of that, apparently this success involved Shepard asking for him by name.

Why?

He had no fucking clue.

"We don't know, Jeff," Liara said quietly. "But she did. Please talk to her. None of us have gotten through to her, except Garrus."

Garrus cut in then, his voice defeated - not something Joker had ever thought he'd hear from the turian. "And when I did get her to speak," he said quietly, "she asked for you."

Joker shook his head, the reality seeming like a far off dream. "Why me?" he whispered to himself. Of course, Garrus had heard him.

"You've been with her longer than any of us," he said quietly. "Even before Ashley."

Joker sighed, rubbing a hand over his face. "Yeah, but that doesn't mean anything. She was closer to you than me, Vakarian," he said quietly, his voice sounding exhausted even to his own ears.

Garrus shrugged, having no real answer. "Please just talk to her," he practically begged. "She won't talk to anyone else."

"What about Traynor? I thought she was supposed to be here today. They were really close."

Liara shook her head. "I got a message from her this morning. She can't be here until tomorrow."

Joker sighed again, a headache starting to form behind his eyes. "Fine, fine," he agreed reluctantly. "I'll talk to her. For what ever good it will do."

"Thank you," Garrus said, relief evident in his voice. "Thank you, Joker."

Joker had hear about Shepard's coma-like state from his friends, but it hadn't prepared him for the sight in front of him. She lay facing the window, her eyes blank, her skin paler then usual. Her hair had been cut stylishly, Ashley's work no doubt, but the strands hung limply, as if even her hair had decided to give up.

He didn't know what to do, what to say, but he knew he had to do something. He took a deep breath and entered her room. Her eyes turned toward him and she sat up, staring at him as though he were an illusion. He cleared his throat, shoving his hands in to his pockets. "Hey, Shep. You look like hell."

Apparently that wasn't the right thing to say.

Shepard's lower lip trembled, her eyes filling with tears. A choked sound escaped her throat, and then she was all out balling. Huge sobs racked her body as she struggled for air, her hands covering her face. Joker moved over to her, unsure what to do. His hands fluttered uselessly around her until he finally rested a hand on her shoulder. "Hey," he said quietly. "Hey, it's all right. I'm sorry. You don't look that bad, honestly."

A sound that could have been a laugh escaped her and she started to take deep breaths, trying to calm herself. "Yeah, I do," she said. "I'm sorry, Jeff. I'm so sorry."

"It's okay," Joker said, though he had no idea what she was apologizing for. "It's all right, Shepard."

"No," Shepard said, meeting his eyes. "It's not all right. I killed her."

Joker raised a brow. "Killed who, Shepard?"

"EDI," Shepard whispered. "God, I'm so sorry, Jeff. I killed EDI."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Newest characters, in order.
> 
>  
> 
> Jeff "Joker" Moreau:
> 
> (Human)
> 
>  
> 
> EDI:
> 
> (Robot/Android)
> 
>  


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so yes, this chapter is stupid short, but it's kind of important..

Silence.

Her sobs echoed, yet Joker remained in complete silence, his hand on her shoulder feeling like that of a statue.

"Joker," she sobbed. "Say something."

More silence.

She pulled her sodden eyes out of her hands to look at him. He hadn't moved. His hand stayed on her shoulder, but there was no meeting her movements - no reassurance. His face was blank, lifeless... She panicked.

"No," she gasped, another sob catching her throat and making her hiccup. Her hands fluttered over him before wrapping around her own body. "No, no, no, _no_."

She couldn't let this happen. She thought that maybe her confession would help her to deal with it. That maybe Joker would understand. Instead, it seemed, she had turned her pain in on him...

He was the zombie she used to be - the zombie she was trying to exterminate.

"Jeff!" She barely recognized her own voice, the scream too shrill and desperate to be her own. She jumped from her bed, ignoring the dizziness, the pain in her torso. "Moreau, don't do this! Don't shut down!"

The hollowness of her words hit her like a blow to the face. Is that not the exact thing her friends had asked of her? And was that not what she had done? She had shut down... just like Joker.

"Jeff..." His name came out as a whisper as she dropped to her knees.

She had broke him - as living had broken her - and it was more than she could handle. Deep, convulsing sobs racked her body. She could barely breath. It hurt. It hurt a lot.

"Please..."

She heard herself say the word, even as her body refused to recognize it. She hurt. She hurt everywhere. She fought for her breath between sobs. She couldn't get enough air, no matter how hard she fought the tears, the pain.

The world started to fade, but for once the blackness wasn't blissful - it scared her.

Her vision swam as she fought for consciousness, for air -

A thought hit her.

She was _fighting_ for air...

_She was fighting..._


	5. Chapter 5

Joker wasn't sure how long he had been standing there, hand raised, before he noticed that Shepard's shoulder was no longer under his palm. He blinked a few times, looking around and finding her on the floor, hands over her face, sobbing. He lowered himself to her level and grabbed her wrists, pulling her hands away from her face so that she would look at him.

"Shepard, calm down," he said gently. "Look at me."

She looked up at him, her eyes red and face all splotchy, and Joker felt a painful pang in his chest. She just looked so... _broken_. He sighed and sat on the floor next to her, pulling her against his shoulder with one arm. "It's okay, Shepard," he whispered. "It's going to be okay. I'm not mad. Calm down."

"But I killed her, Joker," Shepard sobbed. "I knew she would die if I blew up the synthetics, but I did it any way."

Joker closed his eyes, another sigh escaping him as he leaned his head back against the bed. She felt guilty for saving the universe. Typical. "EDI would understand," he said. "If the situation were reversed, and it was one life for billions, she would have done the same."

"I killed the Geth, too," Shepard said quietly. Joker was relieved to hear her voice was less shaky, her breathing evening out. "All of them. Legion sacrificed himself for them and I let them die."

Joker looked down at her, her head rested on his shoulder, her arms wrapped around herself as though trying to hold herself in one piece. He couldn't even try to understand the pain she was in, the guilt she felt. Everyone had thought this was about Thane, but it seemed to him that it was about more than that. It probably always had been, and no one had even suspected. And now, here she was, leaning on him of all people, reaching out, trying to relieve some of that pain. He only hoped he was up to the task.

He pulled her a little tighter against him and said, "Legion would have understood, too, Shepard. The reapers had to be stopped."

Shepard let out a shaky breath next to him and said, "I know they did... but EDI, the geth... they're still dead."

"And how many people are alive because of that?" he asked. "You can't feel guilty for saving the universe, Shepard. It's ridiculous."

Shepard did the last thing he had expected: She laughed. It was broken and short, but it was there, and Joker felt himself smile. Maybe he could help her after all.

"It is ridiculous, isn't it? I save the universe, and I'm beating myself up over casualties." She sighed. "What kind of soldier does that?"

Joker shrugged. "The kind who's been through way too much in the last 5 years."

"I guess," she said. "It's still ridiculous. I thought I was stronger than that."

"Shepard, you're the strongest person I know. That doesn't mean you can't feel pain."

"There's a lot of it," she sighed. "I feel like I'm going to explode."

"Don't do that," Joker said seriously. "I just washed my hat."

Shepard let out another short laugh. "You would be worried about your hat."

Joker smiled. They sat like that for a while, not saying anything, content just to be in each other's company. After a few minutes, Joker pulled away from Shepard so he could look her in the eyes. Her eyes were still red, but at least they were free of tears. More then that, she looked more alive than she had since she had woken up a week ago. It seemed her confession had brought a piece of her back, and Joker was relieved to see that small piece of the Shepard he knew.

"Shepard," he said, placing his hands on her shoulders, "listen to me. I loved EDI, and I miss her. It hurt to lose her. But I don't blame you. No one blames you. It was war, and shit happens, okay? You can't keep beating yourself up over it. You have people who love you, people who still need you, and I refuse to let you do this to yourself. Understand?"

Shepard nodded.

"Good," Joker sighed, and pulled himself to his feet. "Now what do you say you get off the floor and we go for a walk? It would do you good to get out of this room."

Shepard pulled herself up carefully and sat on the bed, the movement making her scrunch her face up in pain. "I don't think I could walk right now," she said. "But could you do something for me?"

"Of course," he responded instantly. "What do you need?"

"At my apartment, there's a vid card in my room, top desk drawer on the left. Could you bring it to me?"

"You got it, Shepard," Joker said. "Unless it's porn. If it's porn, I'm keeping it."

Shepard didn't even smile - just looked away. "It's not."

"Oh, um... okay. I'll bring it by tonight." Joker put his hand over Shepard's on the bed. "Could you do something for me?"

Shepard looked at their hands, her eyebrows scrunching slightly, then met Joker's eyes. "Okay."

"Talk to Garrus. He's driving us all crazy, especially Tali. Plus, I think he's pissed that you wanted to talk to me and not him."

Shepard nodded. "Okay, I will."

"I mean, like, now. He's probably still in the waiting room. He's hardly left since you woke up."

"All right," Shepard sighed. "I'll talk to him. Just get the vid card, okay?"

"Okay." Joker gave Shepard's hand a light squeeze and turned to leave. He had just opened the door when Shepard's voice stopped him.

"Joker?"

He turned back to look at her. "Yeah, Shep?"

"Thank you. For listening and getting the vid card and... well, thanks."

Joker smiled. "Any time."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> New Characters Introduced
> 
> Legion:  
> (Robot/Android)  
> 


	6. Chapter 6

Garrus entered the room and was pleased to find Shepard sitting up and looking alert. Her eyes met his and she tried to smile, but it looked like more of a grimace. She no longer looked like the zombie he had come accustomed to seeing, but she wasn't quite Shepard either. However, he would take what he could get.

"Shepard," he said as he moved toward her. "You look... better."

"Thanks," she responded quietly. "Come here. Help me up."

Garrus moved forward as Shepard began pushing herself up from the bed, his hands outstretched to catch her should she fall. "No, Shepard, don't get up," he protested.

She gave him a glare that reminded him of her old self. "Please, Vakarian. I'm not that fragile."

With a sigh he grabbed her hands and help her off the bed. She met his eyes and for a second he wasn't sure what to do. Luckily, she took care of that by pulling him into a fierce hug. "I'm so sorry," she murmured against his chest. "I'm so sorry, Garrus."

Garrus brought his arms around her with a sigh, resting his chin on her hair. "It's okay, Shepard. I'm just glad you're all right."

Shepard pulled away from him, wiping a hand across her eyes. "I'm not all right," she confessed. "But I think I might be... eventually. I just..." She sighed, looking up to meet Garrus's eyes again. "I was supposed to die. Hell, I wanted to die. Instead, I woke up and since then it's been... difficult."

"I know," Garrus said quietly. "We kind of figured it out, that you wanted to... Well, I just hope you don't feel that way anymore."

With a sigh, Shepard moved away from Garrus to ease herself back onto the bed. Garrus hadn't realized until then that he had still been holding on to her. "I don't know what I feel, Garrus," she admitted. She was silent for a few moments before saying, "I miss him."

Garrus's breath caught in his throat. He wasn't sure what to say to her, how to comfort her. More than anything he wanted to hold her close and stroke her hair, tell her how he felt about her, promise her that she would never be alone. He knew, however, that would be the most unwelcome thing he could do right now. Instead he just said, "I know."

Shepard looked up at him, a ghost of a smile on her lips. "Yeah, I guess I made it pretty clear, huh?"

"You could say that," he responded with a shrug. "But I understand. I can't begin to comprehend how much pain you're in. I just wish there was something I could do to help."

"You are helping. You being here is enough, even if I haven't exactly expressed that."

"You know I always have your six, Shepard. That's never going to change."

Shepard gave a shaky laugh. "I know. Thank you."

~~~~~~~~~~

Joker shuffled through the various papers in Shepard's desk drawer until he located a small vid clip under a data pad. He couldn't help but wonder what was so important about this clip, and he had to fight the urge to slip it into the T.V. and see what was on it. With a sigh he slipped it into his pocket as he made his way out of the office. He was about to leave when he noticed a picture of Thane sitting on the piano. He wondered briefly if it would be insensitive of him to bring it to her, but on second thought, he grabbed the photo, moving to the kitchen to grab a bag, and headed back to Heurta.

When he arrived at Shepard's room, Garrus was gone and he saw Shepard curled on her side, her face relaxed in sleep. He smiled a little and went to the table next to the bed, pulling Thane's picture from the bag and facing it toward Shepard. He placed the vid clip next to it, along with a data pad he had grabbed so she could watch it, and silently left the room.

As Joker made his way back to the hotel he was staying at, he thought of EDI. He missed her, and Shepard's earlier confession came back to his mind. I killed her. God, I'm so sorry, Jeff. I killed EDI. Joker shook his head. He knew she felt guilty, but he still couldn't help but be a little angry with her, even if he had told her he wasn't. He had loved EDI more than anything - her sense of humor, her curiosity, her voice. He groaned as he thought of her, his heart aching. He missed her so much it hurt, and Shepard had killed her.

He sighed as he reached his room, opening the door and entering, flicking the lights on as he made his way to fridge. He grabbed a beer and settled onto the couch, turning on the T.V. but not actually watching it. He was too lost in his own thoughts. He needed to talk to Shepard. He had been hoping she would still be awake when he got back to the hospital, but it was unsurprising that she was asleep after having such a hectic day. He wanted to know how she felt, if she was as painfully empty as he was. If just waking up brought with it a sense of dread. He knew the answer - yes, she felt the same way - but for some reason, he felt like he needed to hear it. He needed to hear that he wasn't alone.

He took a pull from his beer, his eyes flicking up to the T.V. Shepard's picture was there, a news caster going on about her miraculous recovery. He couldn't help but laugh. She was far from recovered. He thought about her the way she was before Thane had died. Her smile, her carefree laughter, the way her eyes lit up at his dirty jokes even as she chastised him. She had been so vital, so full of life. He wondered if he would ever see that Shepard again.

With a sigh, he flicked off the T.V., downing his beer and making his way to bed, despite the fact that it was only 19:00. It was a long time before he finally fell asleep, images of EDI floating through his mind. Just before the blackness took him, however, it was Shepard's face he saw.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just wanted to say for those of you who are not familiar with Shepard and Garrus's relationship that he has said at least once per game that he has Shepard's "six." Basically, he's always got her back, and it has nothing to do with romance. They're family.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Guys, I'm not sorry. The pain isn't over.

_He took another sip of his beer as he looked around. He was sure he had never been here before, yet something seemed oddly familiar. The way the lights moved, the metallic surfaces, the scent of sweat and desperation - no, he'd never been here, but yet he knew it. He knew it in those things, in the lights and the desperation. Yes, he knew this place. It was the same as any other, because everything these days was the same - horrible and lonely and dull. He looked down at his bottle, a sigh escaping him. He couldn't remember why he was here, though he knew it had something to do with the way he felt - as though all the color had drained from the world, leaving behind nothing but soft shades of gray and a gaping hole that threatened to swallow him whole. Why did he feel like this?_

_A woman sat on the barstool next to him, and he glanced over. His eyebrows lifted in subtle appreciation. Her dark hair hung to her shoulders, the ends curling slightly from being tucked behind her ears. She wore a tight jumpsuit in varying shades of grey, though he wouldn't have known the colors if they were any, the world being what it was for him. She had soft, full lips and lightly colored eyes that shone with intelligence and a hint of humor. She smiled when he looked at her, a smile he didn't return as his eyes found his bottle once more._

_"Don't you recognize me, Jeff?"_

_Her voice pierced something in him, something vital. He turned toward the woman again, his brow furrowed as he searched his memory. Something about her seemed familiar, but like this place, he couldn't place it. Yet he felt he needed to know it. Every fiber of him screamed that this was important._

_"No," his voice said without his permission. He tried to back peddle, but his body refused to respond to him, instead just going through the motions it seemed to have set in place for itself without his approval. "I've never seen you before."_

_"You know me, Jeff. You're the one who brought me here," she said in her velvety voice. "I miss you, too."_

_Once again his body responded against his will. He stood up, glaring down at the woman who stayed seated in her stool, the picture of relaxation. He jabbed a finger at her. "I don't know you," he growled, voice filled with venom. "I can't know you. You aren't here because you're dead."_

_He froze then, his own will suddenly taking back possession of his body. He blinked in confusion, his hand falling back to his side as he began to tremble. The woman gave him a patient and knowing smile, and the dam broke. Color flooded in, almost blinding him, starting at her eyes and quickly reaching outwards. Her smile grew as his eyes widened, his heart beating erratically in his chest as he realized who she was. All of the pieces fell into place._

_"EDI?"_

~~~~~~~~~~~

Joker woke with a start, his eyes flashing open. He took in the room around him, disappointed to find he was back in his hotel room, alone. His heart still seemed to want to escape his chest, pounding with harsh ferocity as he pictured EDI, totally human, coming to him in his dreams. It was only a few seconds before the feeling of loss settled in, his eyes stinging as he muttered that it wasn't fair, that he should be with her. He tried futilely for a few moments to fall back into his slumber, but his body refused to cooperate, and with a sigh he finally pulled himself out of bed.

Stumbling into the bathroom he stopped in front of the mirror, green eyes staring back at him as he studied himself. His eyes were dull, deep bags under them, and his beard had gotten shaggy from neglect. His dark, red hair stood up at odd angles. He chuckled darkly at the reflection. "I look like Shepard," he muttered darkly. "I pull her out and I fall in. So fucking typical." With a sigh he pulled his eyes from his less than pleasing reflection and went about taking a shower, even taking the time to trim his beard before heading out to Heurta.

It was early when he arrived, much earlier than he had thought. The nurse at the front desk informed him gently that visiting hours didn't start until 0800, but after a little persuasion, she agreed to see if Shepard was awake so he could see her. He paced the hospital's waiting room as he waited, his thoughts in disarray and his heart aching. He needed it to end. He needed to feel better, already. He was sick of putting on a mask and being strong and pretending everything was okay. He wanted to break down, and scream and cry and yell that it was all her fault. The hero of the goddamned universe took away the one thing that made it bearable, and she needed to know. He needed her to know. He need anyone to know.

A few minutes later the nurse came back, informing him that Shepard was awake and he could go in to see her. He nodded his thanks as he headed to her room, working on what he was going to say to her as he made the short journey. He entered her room, ready to attack, ready to tell her that he lied, that he was angry and that she should be ashamed for taking something so beautiful and vital out of this world. Instead, when he entered her room, he froze.

Shepard sat at the top of her bed, knees curled up to her chest as she watched a video on the Omni-pad he had left her the night before. Her face was red, and silent tears fell from her eyes as she took short gasps of breath. She bit her lower lip as if in an effort not to make any noise, desperately clinging on every word that floated out of the small speakers. Joker couldn't see the image on the screen, but he heard the assassin's familiar voice.

_"We are alive, Siha... and when we are not, I will meet you across the sea."_

And then, as the last of her restraint crumbled before his very eyes, Shepard choked out a sob, her body sagging as she let the pain invade her, her throat making strangled noises as her body shook. Joker hadn't thought that his shattered heart could get any more broken. He was wrong.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, I would love to hear any comments/criticism/ideas you have. Also, if you ever want to send fanart for this fic, please send it to robynpepping@hotmail.com and I will post it with the chapter its for with full credit. 
> 
> Thanks again for sticking with me guys, and I hope to bring more of HIDIAA in the near future!

The datapad fell from her fingers, hands reaching to grasp at the short strands of her hair. She though that maybe hearing his voice would help, seeing his face... All it did was make her hate herself more. It made her wish she were dead, that she were with Thane, that she could feel his arms around her and hear his rumbling voice in her ear as cool breath washed over her neck.

Another broken whine escaped her as she realized this was never going to happen.

Because, surely, if there were an after life, if there were a God, she would be dead. They would take mercy on her and she would be dead.

There was no God, because he was dead and she was alive.

And it wasn't _fair._

Broken sobs escaped her chest, her fingers only gripping tighter at her hair, almost pulling the strands out from their roots. The pain felt real, because she was real and it was all so utterly and completely wrong. She could feel her lips moving, making words, though she wasn't sure of what they were or if they had any meaning. Just existing was hard enough - making sense of things was hardly high up on her agenda. Even breathing was unfair, and she wished she could stop, but her lungs wouldn't allow it, raking gasp after gasp through her airway as she cried. She thought maybe she was getting better, that maybe she could accept living.

That maybe had gone out the window the second she had heard his voice.

She could've been crying for seconds or years when she felt the bed next to her dip and a tentative hand touch her shoulder. She tried to ignore it, pretend it wasn't real. Maybe if she pretended it wasn't real, it would go away. "Shepard," a soft voice said beside her. She didn't acknowledge it, instead shifting to bury her face farther into her knees, her hands in her hair coming up to wrap around her head, as if protecting herself from falling debris. She still cried, though the bonewracking sobs had faded to something closer to pathetic whimpers as she tried to blot out the world. The voice said her name again, the hand on her shoulder tightened.

"Look," the voice said. Joker, her mind supplied. It was Joker. "I know that this is hard. Hell, I came here to yell at you because... Well, _fuck_ , Cadi I _am_ mad. I can't believe that you would kill her, that you didn't think about me... but when I came in here, and I saw you watching him, I realized something. You didn't kill EDI. You didn't even kill the Reapers. You killed yourself. Fuck, I didn't even realize it... but..." He let out a shaky laugh, and Shepard was sure he was scratching at that stupid beard he refused to shave. "You... you did it all for them, for those people out there. You know, the ones who are alive... the _trillions upon trillions_ of them that are alive... and none of them realize the sacrifices you had to make, the part of yourself that you had to lose, the absolute pain that just existing costed, even if you were - _are_ \- a hero. They only know Shepard: Hero of the Universe. They never even thought about Cadi: the Girl." There was a silence, where Shepard absorbed his words and he gathered more of them.

"Cadi," he said quietly. "I never even stopped to think about you. I never stopped to think about the fact that you had feelings or wants or that you could be hurt... and I'm sorry. It wasn't fair of me, but I was just like them, Shep. The Great Commander Shepard. What could ever hurt her?" There was another sigh. "I just realized that anything... anything can hurt you. You're human. It took me a long time to see that."

Shepard finally raised her head at this, meeting the mossy eyes of her ship's captain. They were red rimmed and tired, completely humorless, and it cut something deep inside her to see him like that. She opened her mouth to reassure him, to let him know that everything was fine, but he cut her off.

"Don't, Shepard," he said firmly, a small smile gracing his face. His eyes remained dull. "Don't you dare pretend it's all okay."

Shepard felt something inside her break at his words, and suddenly she was sobbing again. She tried her hardest to choke out words, to tell Joker that it hurt, that she hated it, that she wanted it to be over. She's still unsure how much of it was coherent. What she does remember is Joker's arms circling around her, holding her as violent tremors rocked her body and she cried until her tears ran dry. She remembers soft hands rubbing her back and combing through her hair, and meaningless words of comfort whispered in her ear. She remembers Joker taking the data pad and hiding it away in a drawer, and flipping down the picture on the bedside table so she no longer saw Thane's face.

She remembers that some people really thought of her as Cadi: The Girl.

She remembers being with a friend, someone who cared and understood.

And she remembers soft lips on her hair before she fell back into oblivion.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I'm happy she has you," he says quietly before dropping his eyes. "How is she? Really?"
> 
> "She's sad," he responds simply. He would be lying if he said he was surprised by Garrus' choked noise of hurt. He scrunches his eyes shut, turning his head to the ceiling. "Garrus, she's so fucking sad."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah I posted "chapter 9" a while ago but i wasn't happy with it so I did a full rewrite. Hope everyone enjoys it.

Joker isn't sure how long he stayed there while Shepard slept. He knew it was a long time, long enough that it was suspicious that no one had checked on them yet. He remembers glancing at the screens, making sure all of her vitals were okay before falling into an uneasy sleep himself. 

He was still haunted by EDI, waking up several times to dreams he could no longer welcome. EDI was gone. Shepard - against all odds, the stubborn bitch - was still here. She was here and in his arms, clinging to him and looking sad even in sleep. 

He just held her tighter and went back to sleep. 

When he woke up in what passes for early morning on the Citadel, Shepard was half on top of him. He couldn't help but smile at the fact that her face was calm as she continued to sleep, brows smooth and mouth slightly open. She looked... content. For the first time since he met her, Cadi Shepard looked like she was finally sleeping a dreamless sleep. He couldn't help but lift his free hand to brush his fingers over her cheek, smiling when she grunted and buried her face further in to his shoulder. 

"Stop that. She needs the sleep."

Joker jumped a little at the voice, his head swinging around to meet Garrus' eyes as Shepard made a disgruntled sound against him. He opened his mouth to say something, but before he could, Garrus covered his mouth with a gloved hand, making a significant gesture with his head toward Shepard. 

Right. Sleep. She definitely needed that. Joker nodded.

Garrus removed his hand, leaning back and placing both hands on the arms of the chair. "Stay quiet. She's used to sleeping through casual conversation, but I don't doubt for a second she'll wake up if she hears either of us show a hint of emotion."

Joker rolled his eyes. "Yeah, I'm aware. I've worked with her far longer than you.

"Yeah, you have," Garrus said as he leaned forward. "But I didn't think you were... this close."

Joker did his best not to blush, but he knew he failed. His complexion was a bitch like that. "We're not... like that," he mumbled, looking back at Shepard. She was cuddled up to his side, one hand over his heart while the other was tucked to her chest, curled against her own. "At least I didn't think we were. We just..."

"You understand each other," Garrus finished for him, and Joker one again met the turian's eyes. "It's okay. She always had something... special, with you. Different."

There was no way Joker could misunderstand what Garrus was saying. No way he could deny that Garrus felt the same way he had about Shepard. That she was something strong, fierce, funny, indusctructable, and unattainable. She was everything that the great poets talked about, that God himself was searching for when he created the universe. She was beauty in it's purest form - prefect in her imperfection.

There was one thing he understood, though, that Garrus didn't: She belonged to no one but herself. 

"Maybe she and I have a bond. She has that with you, too." Joker took a deep breath before continuing on, unable to meet Garrus' eyes. "But I don't think for a second that she loves me, or even you. Not like that. We're her family. I don't think we will ever be more to her than that." 

He hears a chuckle from Garrus, his eyes snapping back to his face in confusion at the sound. Garrus has a hand over his mouth as he tries to conceal his laughter. 

"What's so funny?"

Garrus raises his head, looking at Joker and gesturing to Shepard with a nod of his head. "She isn't wrapping herself around me like that."

Joker turns to look at Shepard as Garrus stands, noting the way she seemed to have carefully molded herself to his body, as close as possible without hurting either of them. His attention is drawn back to Garrus as he hears the doors open. Garrus turns back to look at him before he leaves.

"I'm happy she has you," he says quietly before dropping his eyes. "How is she? Really?"

"She's sad," he responds simply. He would be lying if he said he was surprised by Garrus' choked noise of hurt. He scrunches his eyes shut, turning his head to the ceiling. "Garrus, she's so fucking sad."

The doors swoosh shut, and when Joker looks up again, he and Cadi are alone. He turns and presses his lips to her hair, watching the artificial sun come up through the windows of Huerta Memorial.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feel free to come by my [Tumblr.](www.casismypie.Tumblr.com)


End file.
